I have a brother who lives in the same area as me, but never calls me. He may send an obligatory birthday card, but other than that, I don’t hear from him. Although he used to be painted black when I was all-white, I think now he is white and enmeshed with momster, who lives nearby as well. I have another brother who lives up north. This one called me Thanksgiving evening to say happy turkey day. He knows I no longer am in contact with our momster. He talks to her almost every day on the phone.
I let him know how my Thanksgiving went, and that I’m enjoying my visit with my fiance’s family. He’s says ‘That’s nice’, and tells me he’s been working twelve hour days, and was just too exhausted to go visit his long-time gf’s family for dinner. He just made up some food to eat alone. However, I know from past years that he seldom goes to gf’s family. I think its because he takes medication for anxiety disorder, and feels overwhelmed by her large family. But he would never say so.
In fact, he’s the type to just keep things on a surface level, and never acknowledge anything serious or problematic. Even though he knows I've been disowned by momster, he doesn't show any support or concern, not even to say, "So did you talk to mom?" He just seems to think that by not even acknowledging there's a problem, it will go away on it's own. This makes me feel unsupported, like I'm an only child.
Before he got off the phone, though, I did press an issue with him. I asked him if it was true that he was offended (according to momster) that my fiance had asked momster why she thought neither of my bros nor me had gotten married before our 40s. He replied that he really doesn't get offended. But he did think it wasn't any of my fiance's business. And in fact, if my fiance would have asked him that, he would have told him so. Then he said, "But don't think I'm holding anything against you or anything." And that was pretty much it. We got off the phone.
I hung up feeling kind of sad and discouraged. I was looking for validation from a family member, and was disappointed. Oh well.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Thanksgiving
We had Thanksgiving at my fiance's house. S's brother J and his wife Mg came with their two boys and brand new baby girl. This was my first Thanksgiving away from momster, and I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for the first time! Of course, S helped me cook. We had turkey and ham, stuffing with cranberries, scalloped potatoes, green bean casserole, candied yams and dinner rolls. S's sister R came too, and brought scalloped corn, baked beans, pea salad and deviled eggs. So we had a feast!
Thanksgiving dinner turned out to be a lot easier than I thought! In momster's house, Thanksgiving was a one woman show. My mom did all the cooking. I may have been called upon to make a dessert of some type, but mostly my job was clean up girl and setting the table. And invariably, there was always something done wrong enough to give mom and excuse to yell at me. If not me, she'd be yelling at my dad about something. And the only time that she asked for any help fixing the meal is when the turkey was ready to come out of the oven. But then she would ask my brother to help, not me. I was always made to feel like I was incompetent.
I can't say this year's Thanksgiving dinner went off without a hitch, though. The rolls got a little burnt on the bottom. But people tore off the bottoms and ate them anyway. Also, I had a little mishap with the candied yams. They were the last thing to come out of the oven. And since the oven and countertop was full with dishes of food already, I was looking for a place to put the candied yams. The dish was burning me through the oven mits, so I hurriedly placed them on the counter beside the sink. In doing so, some of the syrup dripped onto the floor. Underneath my feet was my dog. He got some on his back and went yelping through the house. I grabbed him and poured cold water on his back. S was worried he would shake and get the surrounding food wet. So R took him to the bathroom. He was okay. J helped me clean up the floor. Such an incident would have thrown my momster into a seething rage, and I would have been made to feel like a horrible excuse for a human being.
But anyway, we had a very nice visit with J and Mg and the kids. We played a lot of video games and board games. I got to enjoy the new baby. Mg stated that this was the most relaxing Thanksgiving she's ever had. It was for me too.
Thanksgiving dinner turned out to be a lot easier than I thought! In momster's house, Thanksgiving was a one woman show. My mom did all the cooking. I may have been called upon to make a dessert of some type, but mostly my job was clean up girl and setting the table. And invariably, there was always something done wrong enough to give mom and excuse to yell at me. If not me, she'd be yelling at my dad about something. And the only time that she asked for any help fixing the meal is when the turkey was ready to come out of the oven. But then she would ask my brother to help, not me. I was always made to feel like I was incompetent.
I can't say this year's Thanksgiving dinner went off without a hitch, though. The rolls got a little burnt on the bottom. But people tore off the bottoms and ate them anyway. Also, I had a little mishap with the candied yams. They were the last thing to come out of the oven. And since the oven and countertop was full with dishes of food already, I was looking for a place to put the candied yams. The dish was burning me through the oven mits, so I hurriedly placed them on the counter beside the sink. In doing so, some of the syrup dripped onto the floor. Underneath my feet was my dog. He got some on his back and went yelping through the house. I grabbed him and poured cold water on his back. S was worried he would shake and get the surrounding food wet. So R took him to the bathroom. He was okay. J helped me clean up the floor. Such an incident would have thrown my momster into a seething rage, and I would have been made to feel like a horrible excuse for a human being.
But anyway, we had a very nice visit with J and Mg and the kids. We played a lot of video games and board games. I got to enjoy the new baby. Mg stated that this was the most relaxing Thanksgiving she's ever had. It was for me too.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
time goes by
Boy, has it been hard to find time to journal! So much has been going on that I need to record. I was re-reading my post "Little irritations", and it makes me sound kind of mean. I guess I was just venting. I never have nor ever will tell M she might have menningitis. In fact, I've been feeling a lot less irritated lately.
I remember one Thursday night a while ago, I was at S's house and M needed help with her homework. S needed to go take care of something else and M was waiting for him to help her. In the meantime, I tried to help her, but she fell asleep on the couch. When S was ready to help her, I tried to wake her, but she would not wake up. So S said, "Oh well, I'll just put her in bed and get her up a little early tomorrow morning to help her with her homework."
When he came back into the living room, he could see that I was visibly irritated. After some prodding on his part, I was finally able to tell him about my feelings towards her "I know" remarks and her inability to wake up. We had a good talk. He said he knows that in some respects, she is somewhat spoiled. And he knows that needs to change. He knows that M had experienced rejection from her mom whenever a man was in her mom's life, and he wanted to make sure that she doesn't ever experience the same thing from him. But knows he may have gone a little overboard. He is trying. I let him know that I am probably judging her by how I was raised, which really wasn't normal. So I know I need to be very patient.
When I went to sleep that night, I had a dream that S and I were breaking up. S didn't appear mad at me or anything, just calmly said we need to go back to being 'just friends'. In the dream, I was crushed. I kept saying, "But we're so good together!" I woke up in tears, but after a bit, felt such a relief to know that it was only a dream.As I pondered the dream and it's meaning, I realized that I need to trust S more with my feelings. Talking to S can help me relieve my feelings of irritation. I need to trust that even though he may get a little defensive at times, S still is committed to me, and I don't have to fear him abandoning me.
When I started to pray that morning, something occurred to me. My counselor told me once that not only did God put me in M's life so that I can help her deal with her mother in the future. But also, having M in my life will help me heal as well. I really didn't understand that until now. It occurred to me that my irritation really isn't toward M. It's toward my own mother.The way I was raised, I really didn't have a voice. The adults ran the show. I don't think I was ever allowed to say "I know" about anything without it being followed up with "NO YOU DON'T KNOW!". And I have a vague memory of being yelled at for not waking up, replete with "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! SOME LITTLE PRINCESS WHO EXPECTS TO BE CARRIED AROUND ALL THE TIME??!!"
So now I know. Whenever I feel irritated with something about Mariah's behavior, that's a clue that there may be some unresolved feelings there about how I was treated as a child, when I exhibited the same behavior. When that happens, I need to release to Christ those feelings of resentment toward my mother, and pray for her. That will open up God's healing power for me.
I remember one Thursday night a while ago, I was at S's house and M needed help with her homework. S needed to go take care of something else and M was waiting for him to help her. In the meantime, I tried to help her, but she fell asleep on the couch. When S was ready to help her, I tried to wake her, but she would not wake up. So S said, "Oh well, I'll just put her in bed and get her up a little early tomorrow morning to help her with her homework."
When he came back into the living room, he could see that I was visibly irritated. After some prodding on his part, I was finally able to tell him about my feelings towards her "I know" remarks and her inability to wake up. We had a good talk. He said he knows that in some respects, she is somewhat spoiled. And he knows that needs to change. He knows that M had experienced rejection from her mom whenever a man was in her mom's life, and he wanted to make sure that she doesn't ever experience the same thing from him. But knows he may have gone a little overboard. He is trying. I let him know that I am probably judging her by how I was raised, which really wasn't normal. So I know I need to be very patient.
When I went to sleep that night, I had a dream that S and I were breaking up. S didn't appear mad at me or anything, just calmly said we need to go back to being 'just friends'. In the dream, I was crushed. I kept saying, "But we're so good together!" I woke up in tears, but after a bit, felt such a relief to know that it was only a dream.As I pondered the dream and it's meaning, I realized that I need to trust S more with my feelings. Talking to S can help me relieve my feelings of irritation. I need to trust that even though he may get a little defensive at times, S still is committed to me, and I don't have to fear him abandoning me.
When I started to pray that morning, something occurred to me. My counselor told me once that not only did God put me in M's life so that I can help her deal with her mother in the future. But also, having M in my life will help me heal as well. I really didn't understand that until now. It occurred to me that my irritation really isn't toward M. It's toward my own mother.The way I was raised, I really didn't have a voice. The adults ran the show. I don't think I was ever allowed to say "I know" about anything without it being followed up with "NO YOU DON'T KNOW!". And I have a vague memory of being yelled at for not waking up, replete with "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! SOME LITTLE PRINCESS WHO EXPECTS TO BE CARRIED AROUND ALL THE TIME??!!"
So now I know. Whenever I feel irritated with something about Mariah's behavior, that's a clue that there may be some unresolved feelings there about how I was treated as a child, when I exhibited the same behavior. When that happens, I need to release to Christ those feelings of resentment toward my mother, and pray for her. That will open up God's healing power for me.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Bad morning
Had a bad morning…. We have these maintenance guys at my apartment complex whizzing around on golf carts. Sometimes they’re hard to see, and well, I backed into one this morning. I was backing my car up, because I had forgotten something in my apartment that I needed to bring to my fiance’s house this weekend, and one of these guys was right behind me. I didn’t see him and I hit him. But I was going slow, so there was no damage to his golf cart, he was okay, and there was only a little scratch on my car. So, no problem. In fact, I have a little touch up paint in the trunk of my car. So I get out my kit, wipe off the area of the scratch, quickly apply the touch up paint, and put everything back in my car. Okay, now where are my keys? BIG PROBLEM – they’re in my trunk! This is the first time in the 9 years of owning that car that I ever locked the keys in it. The maintenance supervisor let me back into my apartment, so I could make some phone calls. Fortunately my insurance covers the cost of lockouts, and they called a locksmith for me, who was there in 45 minutes. So everything is okay now. Tonight, S and I have swing dance class at the YMCA. Hopefully tonight will go smoother that this morning.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Little irritations
I've been feeling irritated lately about little things concerning M. The other day I was at work talking to my co-worker who has 3 grown sons. One of them had just regained his drivers' license after recovering from a head injury. I was talking with my co-worker about how he was doing, and she said, "I'm actually kind of annoyed at him right now. I reminded him this morning that he needs to call his insurance company, and he says, "I know, mother", in a very irritated voice.
That made me realize that M does that a lot. And she's just an 8 yo, not a young adult! Her dad will say, "Ok when we get home, you're gonna hafta walk Rufus." "I know!", she says, not in an irritated tone, but in her "little miss know-it-all" voice. I find it dismissive and annoying, but S doesn't seem to mind.
Another thing that bothers me is how she'll fall asleep in the back seat of the car, and it's virtually impossible short of screaming at her to get her to wake up and get out of the car on her own. Of course, we don't and won't scream at her. And I understand that if it's late at night, she's probably just exhausted. Her dad carries her in and puts her in bed. But lately, my fiance and I have been going on shopping trips to get our bridal registry in order. And I do understand that little kids will get tired when they're being dragged around shopping. So she falls asleep in the backseat on the way home. But she's not asleep for that long, and when we pull in the driveway, she will not wake up. I guess I have a suspicion that she could wake up if she wanted to, but would rather pretend to be asleep so that she'll get carried. And its that attitude that irritates me.
Fiance used to always lift her out of the car, put her in a standing position, and gently coax her awake. Recently, because he's been getting tired of carrying around a 55 lb 8 yo, if it's in the afternooon, he just leaves her in the car. She'll come in later complaining that he left her out there, and he just says, "Well, I figured when you're hot enough, you'll come in." Hopefully, that'll teach her. If not, I'll tell her that if she continues to have such a hard time waking up, that could be a sign of menningitis. So, we'll have to take her to the hospital and have some tests run on her that require her to have an IV stuck in her, to make sure she doesn't have it. I'm sure that will motivate her to wake up when her name is called, as she hates needles.
That made me realize that M does that a lot. And she's just an 8 yo, not a young adult! Her dad will say, "Ok when we get home, you're gonna hafta walk Rufus." "I know!", she says, not in an irritated tone, but in her "little miss know-it-all" voice. I find it dismissive and annoying, but S doesn't seem to mind.
Another thing that bothers me is how she'll fall asleep in the back seat of the car, and it's virtually impossible short of screaming at her to get her to wake up and get out of the car on her own. Of course, we don't and won't scream at her. And I understand that if it's late at night, she's probably just exhausted. Her dad carries her in and puts her in bed. But lately, my fiance and I have been going on shopping trips to get our bridal registry in order. And I do understand that little kids will get tired when they're being dragged around shopping. So she falls asleep in the backseat on the way home. But she's not asleep for that long, and when we pull in the driveway, she will not wake up. I guess I have a suspicion that she could wake up if she wanted to, but would rather pretend to be asleep so that she'll get carried. And its that attitude that irritates me.
Fiance used to always lift her out of the car, put her in a standing position, and gently coax her awake. Recently, because he's been getting tired of carrying around a 55 lb 8 yo, if it's in the afternooon, he just leaves her in the car. She'll come in later complaining that he left her out there, and he just says, "Well, I figured when you're hot enough, you'll come in." Hopefully, that'll teach her. If not, I'll tell her that if she continues to have such a hard time waking up, that could be a sign of menningitis. So, we'll have to take her to the hospital and have some tests run on her that require her to have an IV stuck in her, to make sure she doesn't have it. I'm sure that will motivate her to wake up when her name is called, as she hates needles.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Princess time
We took M trick-or-treating last night. She was dressed as a princess, of course. Just her dad, me and her at first. Then later, she caught up with some of her friends who started trick-or-treating earlier in the evening. She had fun until toward the end. She had shoes on that hurt her feet, so we told her to take them off and go barefoot. Then her feet started hurting because she was barefoot and stepped on rocks and such in the road. Then she wanted her shoes back on, but took them back off again. We offered her flip flops that she had in the car, but she didn't want those. When it was time to walk back home, she plopped down on the sidewalk and whined that her feet hurt her too much. Thankfully, her dad didn't give in to her whims and carry her, like I think she wanted. He just told her to get up and start walking.
I know that M is just being a typical 8 year old child, but it is still kind of foreign to me. I don't remember whining at her age. I knew it wouldn't be tolerated by momster, so I just didn't. I remember Halloweens up north being very cold. And I remember one of my friend's mom exclaiming to me how cold my hands were as she warmed them between her two hands. I remember wondering why she's making such a fuss.
I know that M is just being a typical 8 year old child, but it is still kind of foreign to me. I don't remember whining at her age. I knew it wouldn't be tolerated by momster, so I just didn't. I remember Halloweens up north being very cold. And I remember one of my friend's mom exclaiming to me how cold my hands were as she warmed them between her two hands. I remember wondering why she's making such a fuss.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
up to date now
I wanted to start a journal chronicling the new life that God has brought me into. No longer am I in bondage to my mother. No longer do I fear her disapproval. No longer is my life dictated by her whims. No longer do I even have to deal with her, as she has asked me to leave her alone. To get a quick start to this journal, I needed to provide the background from my postings on Facing-the-Facts.net website, which is the source of all the previous posts. Now, because God has given me the courage to stand up to her and enforce healthy boundaries, I can possess and enjoy my own life, and freely receive all that God has for me.
I am so thankful that He has given me my fiance and future step-daughter. Our wedding date is set for June 14, 2008. I have picked out my dress, chosen my bridesmaids, and reserved the church. Still tons to do, but I'm trusting in God to give me the strength to get it all done.
I've also been seeing a Christian counselor once a month and going to a co-dependency support group, so that the issues I have in my unresolved relationship with my mother don't bleed over into my marriage and family life.
The last I heard from momster, she left me a message that made it clear that she did afterall, read my letter. And she says, "We all wish you well, but there is no way I can take someone talking down about our family. So we wish you well, but please just leave us all alone."
The "talking down about our family" part is where my fiance asked her why neither me nor my siblings got married until we were in our forties. Actually, I'll be 45 on my wedding day - my first marriage. My brother S got married when he was around 43, but it only lasted four years. My brother M has been living with the same person on and off for almost twenty years, but never married her.
The background in which fiance asked momster is this: We had been dating that time for only 4 months. I needed wrist surgery, so fiance, then bf, offered to take me to the hospital. I knew momster wanted to go too, as she complained about me not calling her late at night to come to the emergency room where I was being treated for a broken wrist. So bf drove both of us to the hospital where I was having my surgery. Momster brought coffee, snacks and magazines for bf, and he thought, "Wow, what a nice lady." Except he couldn't read a single page of the magazines she gave him, because she talked his ear off the whole time as she usually does. So, he thought she was a very open and friendly person, and wouldn't mind him asking her something he was curious about. His intention was not to "talk down our family". His intentions was simply get to know and understand me better, by having a greater understanding of my family dynamics. He says he can't remember what her actual response was, but he did not get any indication that she was peeved at all by his question. Yet momster told me that she will never forgive him for it, nor will she ever forgive me for defending him.
Oh well.
I am so thankful that He has given me my fiance and future step-daughter. Our wedding date is set for June 14, 2008. I have picked out my dress, chosen my bridesmaids, and reserved the church. Still tons to do, but I'm trusting in God to give me the strength to get it all done.
I've also been seeing a Christian counselor once a month and going to a co-dependency support group, so that the issues I have in my unresolved relationship with my mother don't bleed over into my marriage and family life.
The last I heard from momster, she left me a message that made it clear that she did afterall, read my letter. And she says, "We all wish you well, but there is no way I can take someone talking down about our family. So we wish you well, but please just leave us all alone."
The "talking down about our family" part is where my fiance asked her why neither me nor my siblings got married until we were in our forties. Actually, I'll be 45 on my wedding day - my first marriage. My brother S got married when he was around 43, but it only lasted four years. My brother M has been living with the same person on and off for almost twenty years, but never married her.
The background in which fiance asked momster is this: We had been dating that time for only 4 months. I needed wrist surgery, so fiance, then bf, offered to take me to the hospital. I knew momster wanted to go too, as she complained about me not calling her late at night to come to the emergency room where I was being treated for a broken wrist. So bf drove both of us to the hospital where I was having my surgery. Momster brought coffee, snacks and magazines for bf, and he thought, "Wow, what a nice lady." Except he couldn't read a single page of the magazines she gave him, because she talked his ear off the whole time as she usually does. So, he thought she was a very open and friendly person, and wouldn't mind him asking her something he was curious about. His intention was not to "talk down our family". His intentions was simply get to know and understand me better, by having a greater understanding of my family dynamics. He says he can't remember what her actual response was, but he did not get any indication that she was peeved at all by his question. Yet momster told me that she will never forgive him for it, nor will she ever forgive me for defending him.
Oh well.
Monday, October 29, 2007
My last letter to Momster - 9/26 entry on FTF
I've been NC with my mom for awhile (see my other posts), but she called me recently. I don't engage her in conversation anymore, because of the way she shouts me down, twists my words, and goes out of the way to find something she can criticize. So when she calls, I always let voicemail pick up. This time, her voice was pleasant, and she apparently was calling to give me a friendly update on how her dog made it thru an operation and how the family was doing. She didn't ask that I return her call, and I didn't. But then guilt set in, and I thought I ought to at least respond in letter. So I sent her this:
Dear Mom,
Thank you for your last phone call, where you gave me an update on everyone. I’m glad to hear that dog J came through his surgery okay. Sorry to hear that dog R is not doing well. I hope he gets better. It’s also good to hear that bro S has a job now. I’m sure that’s a big relief for him. I hope bro M gets through this rough time and that his company pulls through. It sounds like you have some peace of mind now that dad’s heart is being monitored daily, and I’m glad he’s continuing to do well.
It’s been a long time since I’ve really told you anything at all about my life and I’m thinking now might be a good time. As you know, my wrist has recovered 100%. My doctor told me that my shoulder problem was due to ‘adhesive capsulitis’, also known as frozen shoulder, which was probably triggered from surgery. The good news is that it is only a temporary condition, and should go away over time. In fact, I would say about 80% of the pain has now gone away, and I have about 90% of my mobility back. I’m sure I’ll be as good as new in another six months or so. I’m continuing to exercise. My best gf has joined the same gym as me, and we’ve been early morning workout partners for the past few months. My company is doing very well, and my job is stable. We recently moved into a brand new building, which makes it a nicer work environment.
S is also doing well in his job. He recently received a promotion and a significant pay raise. He bought me a ring and asked me to marry him. I said yes, of course, and am very excited and happy! We’re planning a June wedding and a honeymoon in the Bahamas. Most of his family will probably come down for the wedding. Plus we have several friends from church who will help us celebrate. We want to try to keep it small and simple though, to avoid going into debt.
M (future sd) is doing very well in school, and has lots of friends. She recently learned how to ride her bike without training wheels. She said she thinks it’s cool that I’m going to be her stepmom, and she’s looking forward to being the flower girl in our wedding. Her mom only has supervised visitation with her now, as she is in a treatment program to recover from addiction to prescription painkillers. But M seems to be adjusting well in spite of this.
We’ve adopted a skinny little Chihuahua puppy back in May. He’s a teacup Chihuahua and weighed just barely a pound when we got him. He now weighs around 3 lbs. and probably won’t get much bigger. We named him Rufus. He’s not quite housetrained yet, but is getting there. He’s about due to go in to be fixed.
Well that’s about it. I’ve been busy with wedding plans and trying to sort out the stuff in my apartment that I’ve accumulated these past five years to get ready for the big move in June. I’m really sorry that you’ve had such a hard time accepting my choices and boundaries. But I forgive you, just as God, for Christ’s sake, has forgiven me of my sins. And I pray for you every day. I know that God has a plan and purpose for my life. And I will go where He wants me to go, do what He wants me to do, be who He wants me to be, and love who He wants me to love. Hopefully, someday you will be able to understand and accept this. In any case, I will continue to pray for you and I wish you well.
Love, C&W
Well, she got the letter today, and I got a message from her on my cell phone. She said she could tell from the writing on the envelope that there's a letter from me. And she's calling to say that she's not going to read it, because my letters are "too mean". If I have anything to say to her, I need to say it in person. Then she went on to say how she'll never forgive my fiance for inquiring as to why my brothers and I are all over 40 and never married. She said both my bros were offended (not likely) that he would ask such a thing, etc. and she will never ever forgive him, nor will she ever forgive me for defending him. I guess I'm frustrated that she will not at least open the letter, and see there is nothing mean or accusatory in it, and that I forgive her. But I think God is telling me that even if I told her in person, she still wouldn't be able to receive it. I am only responsible for what I do. I can't control her response or actions. So I just need to let it go and move on.
Dear Mom,
Thank you for your last phone call, where you gave me an update on everyone. I’m glad to hear that dog J came through his surgery okay. Sorry to hear that dog R is not doing well. I hope he gets better. It’s also good to hear that bro S has a job now. I’m sure that’s a big relief for him. I hope bro M gets through this rough time and that his company pulls through. It sounds like you have some peace of mind now that dad’s heart is being monitored daily, and I’m glad he’s continuing to do well.
It’s been a long time since I’ve really told you anything at all about my life and I’m thinking now might be a good time. As you know, my wrist has recovered 100%. My doctor told me that my shoulder problem was due to ‘adhesive capsulitis’, also known as frozen shoulder, which was probably triggered from surgery. The good news is that it is only a temporary condition, and should go away over time. In fact, I would say about 80% of the pain has now gone away, and I have about 90% of my mobility back. I’m sure I’ll be as good as new in another six months or so. I’m continuing to exercise. My best gf has joined the same gym as me, and we’ve been early morning workout partners for the past few months. My company is doing very well, and my job is stable. We recently moved into a brand new building, which makes it a nicer work environment.
S is also doing well in his job. He recently received a promotion and a significant pay raise. He bought me a ring and asked me to marry him. I said yes, of course, and am very excited and happy! We’re planning a June wedding and a honeymoon in the Bahamas. Most of his family will probably come down for the wedding. Plus we have several friends from church who will help us celebrate. We want to try to keep it small and simple though, to avoid going into debt.
M (future sd) is doing very well in school, and has lots of friends. She recently learned how to ride her bike without training wheels. She said she thinks it’s cool that I’m going to be her stepmom, and she’s looking forward to being the flower girl in our wedding. Her mom only has supervised visitation with her now, as she is in a treatment program to recover from addiction to prescription painkillers. But M seems to be adjusting well in spite of this.
We’ve adopted a skinny little Chihuahua puppy back in May. He’s a teacup Chihuahua and weighed just barely a pound when we got him. He now weighs around 3 lbs. and probably won’t get much bigger. We named him Rufus. He’s not quite housetrained yet, but is getting there. He’s about due to go in to be fixed.
Well that’s about it. I’ve been busy with wedding plans and trying to sort out the stuff in my apartment that I’ve accumulated these past five years to get ready for the big move in June. I’m really sorry that you’ve had such a hard time accepting my choices and boundaries. But I forgive you, just as God, for Christ’s sake, has forgiven me of my sins. And I pray for you every day. I know that God has a plan and purpose for my life. And I will go where He wants me to go, do what He wants me to do, be who He wants me to be, and love who He wants me to love. Hopefully, someday you will be able to understand and accept this. In any case, I will continue to pray for you and I wish you well.
Love, C&W
Well, she got the letter today, and I got a message from her on my cell phone. She said she could tell from the writing on the envelope that there's a letter from me. And she's calling to say that she's not going to read it, because my letters are "too mean". If I have anything to say to her, I need to say it in person. Then she went on to say how she'll never forgive my fiance for inquiring as to why my brothers and I are all over 40 and never married. She said both my bros were offended (not likely) that he would ask such a thing, etc. and she will never ever forgive him, nor will she ever forgive me for defending him. I guess I'm frustrated that she will not at least open the letter, and see there is nothing mean or accusatory in it, and that I forgive her. But I think God is telling me that even if I told her in person, she still wouldn't be able to receive it. I am only responsible for what I do. I can't control her response or actions. So I just need to let it go and move on.
August 23 entry on Face-The-Facts.net
Its been a couple weeks since I've been to this site, and it looks like my momster's letter hit a cord with quite a few of you. Thanks everyone for all your responses, but I've got some terrific news!! Congrats are in order for me, because my bf proposed, and we're planning a June wedding!
NotMissPerfect wrote:
I imagine she made distinction between you (adopted) and her biological kids.
No actually, we all were adopted. God saw fit to make her sterile, but that didn't stop her from messing with the minds of three abandoned kids with her maternal madness.
Comity wrote:
it just plain doesn't make sense unless she feels that she is somehow a one-woman embodiment of the whole family, like a totalitarian leader.
I think that's precisely how she sees herself. My fiance expressed how odd it seemed during the Christmas Eve dinner that he was begrudgingly invited to. The entire conversation was totally centered on her. She controlled what was talked about, and no one even attempted to bring up any new topics. Everyone just responded to and validated whatever she was saying. My fiance wanted to know if its always like this. To be honest, the only time it isn't is when she's relaxed, and in a good mood, which gets more rare as she ages.
SadEyes wrote:
My only comment is that if you are continuing to write her letters (not sure if you are), then you are keeping your negative interactions alive no matter how LC or NC you are.
Nope - not continuing to write her. Although it was initiated by her, I am NC with her and aim to stay that way.
A couple of other things...In her letter, she talks about how my brother's girlfriend purposely stayed away at Christmas so we could have "just family time" because of my dad's illness, as if some big sacrifice was made. Actually, 18 years ago my family moved from a midwestern state to a southern state, that is, all of us except for my brother M, who stayed in the midwest. In all that time, brother M has come down to visit at least once or twice a year, and only twice brought his gf down to visit. Neither of those visits were at Christmas time. She's mad because I had the nerve to have my bf for Christmas Eve dinner, even though she initially had me invite him, then rescinded her invitation, then changed her mind and had me invite him again. And that statement in her letter is just one of a zillion negative comparisons she's always making between me and my bros.
Another thing, at the incident after the hospital where she transferred from my fiance's car to hers, I remember my fiance waiting for her to get in her car to make sure it started okay before he pulled out of the parking lot. When she was at the door of her car, she kept waving at us as if to say go ahead and leave. And I remember rolling down the window to tell her that we're waiting on her to get in her car and make sure it starts. If we had done what she was telling us to do and left, that would have given her more to complain about.
She also complained to me that she "even had to pay for his lunch" at the hospital, which sounded like my bf put her on the spot and made her pay for his. I wasn't there, so I asked my bf. He said that he was prepared to pay for both of their lunches, but she insisted on paying for his because he took the day off work to drive us. I know that's true because that sounds exactly like something momster would say. Yet she wants to make it sound like she was put out by it.
NotMissPerfect wrote:
I imagine she made distinction between you (adopted) and her biological kids.
No actually, we all were adopted. God saw fit to make her sterile, but that didn't stop her from messing with the minds of three abandoned kids with her maternal madness.
Comity wrote:
it just plain doesn't make sense unless she feels that she is somehow a one-woman embodiment of the whole family, like a totalitarian leader.
I think that's precisely how she sees herself. My fiance expressed how odd it seemed during the Christmas Eve dinner that he was begrudgingly invited to. The entire conversation was totally centered on her. She controlled what was talked about, and no one even attempted to bring up any new topics. Everyone just responded to and validated whatever she was saying. My fiance wanted to know if its always like this. To be honest, the only time it isn't is when she's relaxed, and in a good mood, which gets more rare as she ages.
SadEyes wrote:
My only comment is that if you are continuing to write her letters (not sure if you are), then you are keeping your negative interactions alive no matter how LC or NC you are.
Nope - not continuing to write her. Although it was initiated by her, I am NC with her and aim to stay that way.
A couple of other things...In her letter, she talks about how my brother's girlfriend purposely stayed away at Christmas so we could have "just family time" because of my dad's illness, as if some big sacrifice was made. Actually, 18 years ago my family moved from a midwestern state to a southern state, that is, all of us except for my brother M, who stayed in the midwest. In all that time, brother M has come down to visit at least once or twice a year, and only twice brought his gf down to visit. Neither of those visits were at Christmas time. She's mad because I had the nerve to have my bf for Christmas Eve dinner, even though she initially had me invite him, then rescinded her invitation, then changed her mind and had me invite him again. And that statement in her letter is just one of a zillion negative comparisons she's always making between me and my bros.
Another thing, at the incident after the hospital where she transferred from my fiance's car to hers, I remember my fiance waiting for her to get in her car to make sure it started okay before he pulled out of the parking lot. When she was at the door of her car, she kept waving at us as if to say go ahead and leave. And I remember rolling down the window to tell her that we're waiting on her to get in her car and make sure it starts. If we had done what she was telling us to do and left, that would have given her more to complain about.
She also complained to me that she "even had to pay for his lunch" at the hospital, which sounded like my bf put her on the spot and made her pay for his. I wasn't there, so I asked my bf. He said that he was prepared to pay for both of their lunches, but she insisted on paying for his because he took the day off work to drive us. I know that's true because that sounds exactly like something momster would say. Yet she wants to make it sound like she was put out by it.
August 10 entry on Face-The-Facts.net
How does the letter make me feel? Well, I think it's clearly an example of just how sick she is, classic BPD crap, and as Schnitzel said, it makes my skin crawl too. I had told her a couple of times in the recent past that I thought she needed to seek help from a therapist. Of course, she isn't able to receive that, so this letter is sort of a projection on me. Sort of like... "C&W, you really have mental problems. Not that it has anything to do with us raising you. You had problems when you came to us as a 3 yo (no fault of yours), and we did the best we could to love you and raise you, but apparently it wasn't good enough and didn't work, because here you are 40 years later and you're still screwed up!"
My skin crawls whenever she mentions "the Lord". Since breaking away from her, I've been seeking spiritual growth and have gotten very involved in a local church. She knows this and has felt threatened by it. So she has discouraged me and made put-down remarks to me about it. But I've let her remarks go in one ear and out the other. I'm not going to let her take God from me. It's been decades since she's been to church any time other than Christmas or Easter, and she never opens the Bible. But isn't it odd how she now sprinkles her language with "the Lord" this and the Lord" that, as if she's got some kind of corner on God, lol!
The part where she talks about my bf being rude to her is so totally distorted. My bf and momster met me at my apartment complex the day I was supposed to go to the hospital to have surgery on my wrist. My bf drove both of us to the hospital, and then drove us back to drop my momster off at her car which was parked at my apartment complex. I remember him asking momster if she needed help with her bags. She didn't answer him, but just abruptly got out of the car. My bf asked me what was wrong with her. And I said something like, "Oh don't worry about it. She's old and gets in funny moods some times." My bf now thinks she must have heard me say that, because the car window was down on his side, hence the remark about me making fun of her for being old. I guess in momster's mind, my bf wasn't supposed to just ask "Can I help you?". He was supposed to just automatically jump out of the car and help her, a small slight that has gotten exaggerated to an extreme offense in momster's mind.
Brother S used to be painted black. Now he's divorced and last I heard out of a job. So because momster has painted me black, S gets to be white now, and has been getting some financial help from momster. But he'll have to put up with a lot of crap too. Apparently, she has him running. "Bless him", she says. Just a dig to let me know that I've dropped the ball and brother S is picking it up.
Take care and all of us from the F family wish you the best.
Love, The F's
Notice: not "we all wish you the best. Love Mom and Dad" It's a hurtful dig to say the F family wishes you the best now that you're no longer a part of the F family. Little does she know, I'm very happy to no longer be a part of the dysfunctional mess she calls a family!
My skin crawls whenever she mentions "the Lord". Since breaking away from her, I've been seeking spiritual growth and have gotten very involved in a local church. She knows this and has felt threatened by it. So she has discouraged me and made put-down remarks to me about it. But I've let her remarks go in one ear and out the other. I'm not going to let her take God from me. It's been decades since she's been to church any time other than Christmas or Easter, and she never opens the Bible. But isn't it odd how she now sprinkles her language with "the Lord" this and the Lord" that, as if she's got some kind of corner on God, lol!
The part where she talks about my bf being rude to her is so totally distorted. My bf and momster met me at my apartment complex the day I was supposed to go to the hospital to have surgery on my wrist. My bf drove both of us to the hospital, and then drove us back to drop my momster off at her car which was parked at my apartment complex. I remember him asking momster if she needed help with her bags. She didn't answer him, but just abruptly got out of the car. My bf asked me what was wrong with her. And I said something like, "Oh don't worry about it. She's old and gets in funny moods some times." My bf now thinks she must have heard me say that, because the car window was down on his side, hence the remark about me making fun of her for being old. I guess in momster's mind, my bf wasn't supposed to just ask "Can I help you?". He was supposed to just automatically jump out of the car and help her, a small slight that has gotten exaggerated to an extreme offense in momster's mind.
Brother S used to be painted black. Now he's divorced and last I heard out of a job. So because momster has painted me black, S gets to be white now, and has been getting some financial help from momster. But he'll have to put up with a lot of crap too. Apparently, she has him running. "Bless him", she says. Just a dig to let me know that I've dropped the ball and brother S is picking it up.
Take care and all of us from the F family wish you the best.
Love, The F's
Notice: not "we all wish you the best. Love Mom and Dad" It's a hurtful dig to say the F family wishes you the best now that you're no longer a part of the F family. Little does she know, I'm very happy to no longer be a part of the dysfunctional mess she calls a family!
Momster's last letter to me
After months of no contact with momster, I get a call from her saying that she received a letter from the bank that was addressed to me. Apparently, my bank used my old address (her address) to send me a statement to a new account I opened up with them. I called the bank to confirm it and have it changed. Plus I set up new alerts for unauthorized activity on that account. Her excuse for not simply forwarding the statement to me in the mail, (she has my address), was that "she's been trying to reach me and didn't know if I lived there anymore." My caller ID showed her calling me only once when I wasn't there. So she hasn't been trying to reach me that hard. She was just fishing to see if I had moved in with my fiance (whom she doesn't approve of), which I hadn't, and told her so. Of course, It would be way too much for me to expect her to send me my statement in the mail now. Instead she sends me this letter:
Dear C&W,
I hope you can read this. It's past 12am. Your name was Cathy and I loved it - they (social workers handling adoption - momster and endad adopted me at age 3) didn't want us to keep it and to our surprise, you didn't seem to mind. They told us you couldn't talk and you wouldn't look at people and you had a hard time walking and eating. You had a ragdoll you cried about because they wouldn't let you take it with you. Your clothes were stained and you wore diapers.
But when we first saw you in the orphanage, we saw two beautiful blue eyes and a wide grin on your beautiful little face. You came to even hug us before we said goodbye. We could have gotten a younger child, and was advised to not take you because of your brothers, M & S. But when we asked for a court date for the boys to visit you, you took right to them and just adored M. Everyone was so happy.
You were one of those many children that just fall through the cracks in the system (no fault of yours). I felt I could help you. I knew we could give you a lot of love and I know our home was far from the best. But we wanted all of you and were always so proud of you. But I see now it just wasn't that easy. You had so many problems (no fault of yours). I just felt you could overcome them with a home of your own, and love and family. Over time, I felt you had overcome so much of what you had endured.
I didn't have an easy life. Things happened to me that should never have happened to anyone. And one day, at a very young age, I decided not to go on, and to end it all. The Lord picked this little girl up and said to me, "This is the beginning. You have to make it happen. You have to try hard." I looked at my parents and loved them for giving me life. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and over the years, I felt maybe I could help someone.Life isn't always fair. But boy, it's been good to me. I wouldn't trade any of it, and thank the Lord.
This year has been such a hard year on Dad and on M. B (brother M's gf) stayed home during Christmas, so we could have just family. I just didn't and still don't know how long Dad will be with us.
In this year, I've never heard such hatred in your voice, and I've read and reread your letters - such hatred! You blame me for breaking up your past relationships, and blame me for the decisions you have made in your life. In other words, you blame me for being your mother. How sad that you have these sort of feelings.
I do not feel bad about bringing you in our home, however. We did the best we could. It seems it wasn't good enough for you. You are no different than your brothers M & S, but I let you get away with way more than them.
But one thing, you can call it trying to break up your relationships or whatever you want. But you do not have the right to have someone disrespect me. I won't allow it and wouldn't allow your Dad to disrespect my parents. Your boyfriend wouldn't even get out of the car to help me into my car. And all you did was make fun of me for being old. (Totally distorted, I will explain later.) Did you know that your boyfriend even asked why you and your brothers never married, or were so late in getting married? Is he some kind of nut?!!
Don't you ever bring anyone around here like that again. If it means that you stay away - it's alright. We all hope you are happy. No one wishes you anything but the best.
I'm so tired. It's always a long day. Something new has come up with your father's heart condition. Your brother S came over and helped. Bless him. I can't thank your brothers enough. They have been so strong for me. Take care and all of us from the F family wish you the best.
Love, The F's
Dear C&W,
I hope you can read this. It's past 12am. Your name was Cathy and I loved it - they (social workers handling adoption - momster and endad adopted me at age 3) didn't want us to keep it and to our surprise, you didn't seem to mind. They told us you couldn't talk and you wouldn't look at people and you had a hard time walking and eating. You had a ragdoll you cried about because they wouldn't let you take it with you. Your clothes were stained and you wore diapers.
But when we first saw you in the orphanage, we saw two beautiful blue eyes and a wide grin on your beautiful little face. You came to even hug us before we said goodbye. We could have gotten a younger child, and was advised to not take you because of your brothers, M & S. But when we asked for a court date for the boys to visit you, you took right to them and just adored M. Everyone was so happy.
You were one of those many children that just fall through the cracks in the system (no fault of yours). I felt I could help you. I knew we could give you a lot of love and I know our home was far from the best. But we wanted all of you and were always so proud of you. But I see now it just wasn't that easy. You had so many problems (no fault of yours). I just felt you could overcome them with a home of your own, and love and family. Over time, I felt you had overcome so much of what you had endured.
I didn't have an easy life. Things happened to me that should never have happened to anyone. And one day, at a very young age, I decided not to go on, and to end it all. The Lord picked this little girl up and said to me, "This is the beginning. You have to make it happen. You have to try hard." I looked at my parents and loved them for giving me life. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and over the years, I felt maybe I could help someone.Life isn't always fair. But boy, it's been good to me. I wouldn't trade any of it, and thank the Lord.
This year has been such a hard year on Dad and on M. B (brother M's gf) stayed home during Christmas, so we could have just family. I just didn't and still don't know how long Dad will be with us.
In this year, I've never heard such hatred in your voice, and I've read and reread your letters - such hatred! You blame me for breaking up your past relationships, and blame me for the decisions you have made in your life. In other words, you blame me for being your mother. How sad that you have these sort of feelings.
I do not feel bad about bringing you in our home, however. We did the best we could. It seems it wasn't good enough for you. You are no different than your brothers M & S, but I let you get away with way more than them.
But one thing, you can call it trying to break up your relationships or whatever you want. But you do not have the right to have someone disrespect me. I won't allow it and wouldn't allow your Dad to disrespect my parents. Your boyfriend wouldn't even get out of the car to help me into my car. And all you did was make fun of me for being old. (Totally distorted, I will explain later.) Did you know that your boyfriend even asked why you and your brothers never married, or were so late in getting married? Is he some kind of nut?!!
Don't you ever bring anyone around here like that again. If it means that you stay away - it's alright. We all hope you are happy. No one wishes you anything but the best.
I'm so tired. It's always a long day. Something new has come up with your father's heart condition. Your brother S came over and helped. Bless him. I can't thank your brothers enough. They have been so strong for me. Take care and all of us from the F family wish you the best.
Love, The F's
June 18th entry on Face-The-Facts.net
Because my mom hasn’t been speaking to me, my birthday came and went without any acknowledgement from her. (I had sent her a mother's day card, but that was returned to me unopened.) A week later, mom called to say that their planning to take my dad out for breakfast on Father’s Day, and I could come if I wanted to. I chose not to go, primarily because I felt she was using dad’s illness and Father’s Day to suck me back into being obedient to her. I called my dad to let him know I wouldn’t make it on Father’s Day, but I would send him a card and call him that day. He was okay with it. He understands just how unreasonable my mom can be and doesn’t blame me for not wanting to be around her.
Well, yesterday (Father’s Day) I tried to call his cell phone, but there was no answer and I couldn’t leave him a message because his mailbox was full (he doesn’t know how to check his messages). So I knew in order to contact him and wish him a Happy Father’s Day, I would have to call my parents land line. I knew my mother would probably answer the phone and most likely berate and guilt trip me for not coming for Father’s Day. But when I called, she apparently saw it was me on caller ID, and when she answered, all she said was “Just a minute please” and handed the phone to my dad. So that made it a lot easier for me, but she still got her message across, “I don’t even want to talk to you.”
I do admit that back when she was ranting and raving, I would hang up the phone on her and not return her phone calls. So I guess I have it coming to some extent. And at least she’s not trying to control my interaction with my dad. My dad says that it doesn’t look like things aren’t going to get better between us unless I initiate it (meaning apologize, break up with my boyfriend and be submissive to her again). To do that would be to deny myself a life, and I just can’t do that anymore. I told my dad that I’m seeing a counselor now and going to a support group for co-dependency. With God’s help, maybe I can get past my fear of her and release the hurt and anger that keeps me fettered.
Well, yesterday (Father’s Day) I tried to call his cell phone, but there was no answer and I couldn’t leave him a message because his mailbox was full (he doesn’t know how to check his messages). So I knew in order to contact him and wish him a Happy Father’s Day, I would have to call my parents land line. I knew my mother would probably answer the phone and most likely berate and guilt trip me for not coming for Father’s Day. But when I called, she apparently saw it was me on caller ID, and when she answered, all she said was “Just a minute please” and handed the phone to my dad. So that made it a lot easier for me, but she still got her message across, “I don’t even want to talk to you.”
I do admit that back when she was ranting and raving, I would hang up the phone on her and not return her phone calls. So I guess I have it coming to some extent. And at least she’s not trying to control my interaction with my dad. My dad says that it doesn’t look like things aren’t going to get better between us unless I initiate it (meaning apologize, break up with my boyfriend and be submissive to her again). To do that would be to deny myself a life, and I just can’t do that anymore. I told my dad that I’m seeing a counselor now and going to a support group for co-dependency. With God’s help, maybe I can get past my fear of her and release the hurt and anger that keeps me fettered.
May 31st entry on Face-The-Facts.net
My mom and I have been at odds with each other since January. I simple stood up for myself and stood my ground. She couldn't handle not being able to control me anymore, so she told me to just stay away for awhile. Then she used every excuse to send me hateful letters, and leave rageful messages on my voice mail. But I've been ignoring her, and lately it's been peaceful. I've been enjoying the peace and quiet, having all my time to myself and enjoying my boyfriend because I don't have to be at her beck and call anymore. But there's still a part of me that feels uncertain and guilty.
From reading many of the posts here, I feel that I wasn’t abused as severely as quite a lot of you all. There was no physical abuse to speak of, certainly no sexual abuse, and my suspected, but undiagnosed BPD mother was not neglectful, addictive, self-destructive, severely depressed, or even ill very often. In fact, she seemed like a high-energy, responsible, take-charge kind of person throughout most my childhood. But our home was frequently filled with tension due to my parents fighting. And I was very timid growing up, because I remember being yelled at for being careless, clumsy, forgetful, selfish, or lazy. I remember being told I was fat for sneaking cookies from the cookie drawer. I remember when I was 10, my mom was upset with me all day long about something, I forget what. And that evening as soon as my dad came through the door, she wailed at him right in front of me something like, "I don't know what I'm going to do with her. She always acts like such a child!" My dad responded with, "Well, I should hope she acts like a child. She's only ten.", which only elicited more emotional outbursts from her. Its hard to remember a lot, because it seems like I've blocked a lot out, but I do remember being mostly afraid.
I remember that I really had to watch what I said to others outside the family, because if it was viewed as inappropriate by mom, she'd make sure I'd pay for it later. I remember in fifth grade we were given an assignment to read a story and answer questions at the end. One of the questions said, "Give examples of people you know who have behaved the same way as the character in the story." I don't really remember the story, but I think it had to do with someone convinced that he was right, and expected others to take on his viewpoint. Well, of course, the examples I gave were of my family, because as timid as I was, I didn't really have many friends. Not to mention, my parents provided ample material for that sort of thing. So I gave examples of my dad yelling at my mom for having too many shoes or yelling at other drivers while on the road. I don't remember saying anything negative about my mom. I either blocked that out, or was either too smart or too enmeshed at the time to write anything negative about her. Anyway, the teacher gave me a good grade on the assignment and wrote, "Great Examples" on my paper. I didn't take it home and show it to my mom, but she somehow found it in my bookbag several weeks later and had a fit. She made me go to my teacher and tell her the stories I wrote weren't true.
My dad recently told me that he remembers teaching me to drive a stickshift when I was 16. He said that he and I got up early and went to a secluded parking lot to teach me how to shift gears. I vaguely remember this, but I thought for sure that I never learned how to drive a stickshift, because it was too hard for me. But he swore up and down that he actually did teach me how to do it, and I drove us home and drove the car in the driveway that day. At that point, according to my dad, my mom came out and was hopping mad because he took me out to drive, saying "There's no way she could possibly learn how to drive a stick shift, she doesn't need to anyway...blah blah blah." I really don't remember for sure. Does my dad have it wrong, or do I?? I guess this is what happens when you grew up in a house with a borderline who insisted that their version of reality is the truth, and everyone else is either crazy, mixed-up, or just wasn't paying attention.
All of this stuff is forgivable. I haven't had kids yet myself, but I'm sure it's hard sometimes to raise kids. There's a lot of pressure, especially if your marriage isn't going well. And it wasn't as if she was 100% ogre all the time. There were good times and fond family memories as well.
What's hard to take though, is that even though I'm in my forties, she still wants to control, criticize, find fault with people I care about, insinuate, blame and guilt trip me whenever she feels threatened by my adulthood and independence. The only way I can see being able to live life on my terms and feel good about myself is to continue the NC. Yet because she's elderly, and I'm her only daughter, I know it's probably expected by other family members that I should stay close to her and be her caregiver in her final days. Does anyone else feel guilty about NC??
From reading many of the posts here, I feel that I wasn’t abused as severely as quite a lot of you all. There was no physical abuse to speak of, certainly no sexual abuse, and my suspected, but undiagnosed BPD mother was not neglectful, addictive, self-destructive, severely depressed, or even ill very often. In fact, she seemed like a high-energy, responsible, take-charge kind of person throughout most my childhood. But our home was frequently filled with tension due to my parents fighting. And I was very timid growing up, because I remember being yelled at for being careless, clumsy, forgetful, selfish, or lazy. I remember being told I was fat for sneaking cookies from the cookie drawer. I remember when I was 10, my mom was upset with me all day long about something, I forget what. And that evening as soon as my dad came through the door, she wailed at him right in front of me something like, "I don't know what I'm going to do with her. She always acts like such a child!" My dad responded with, "Well, I should hope she acts like a child. She's only ten.", which only elicited more emotional outbursts from her. Its hard to remember a lot, because it seems like I've blocked a lot out, but I do remember being mostly afraid.
I remember that I really had to watch what I said to others outside the family, because if it was viewed as inappropriate by mom, she'd make sure I'd pay for it later. I remember in fifth grade we were given an assignment to read a story and answer questions at the end. One of the questions said, "Give examples of people you know who have behaved the same way as the character in the story." I don't really remember the story, but I think it had to do with someone convinced that he was right, and expected others to take on his viewpoint. Well, of course, the examples I gave were of my family, because as timid as I was, I didn't really have many friends. Not to mention, my parents provided ample material for that sort of thing. So I gave examples of my dad yelling at my mom for having too many shoes or yelling at other drivers while on the road. I don't remember saying anything negative about my mom. I either blocked that out, or was either too smart or too enmeshed at the time to write anything negative about her. Anyway, the teacher gave me a good grade on the assignment and wrote, "Great Examples" on my paper. I didn't take it home and show it to my mom, but she somehow found it in my bookbag several weeks later and had a fit. She made me go to my teacher and tell her the stories I wrote weren't true.
My dad recently told me that he remembers teaching me to drive a stickshift when I was 16. He said that he and I got up early and went to a secluded parking lot to teach me how to shift gears. I vaguely remember this, but I thought for sure that I never learned how to drive a stickshift, because it was too hard for me. But he swore up and down that he actually did teach me how to do it, and I drove us home and drove the car in the driveway that day. At that point, according to my dad, my mom came out and was hopping mad because he took me out to drive, saying "There's no way she could possibly learn how to drive a stick shift, she doesn't need to anyway...blah blah blah." I really don't remember for sure. Does my dad have it wrong, or do I?? I guess this is what happens when you grew up in a house with a borderline who insisted that their version of reality is the truth, and everyone else is either crazy, mixed-up, or just wasn't paying attention.
All of this stuff is forgivable. I haven't had kids yet myself, but I'm sure it's hard sometimes to raise kids. There's a lot of pressure, especially if your marriage isn't going well. And it wasn't as if she was 100% ogre all the time. There were good times and fond family memories as well.
What's hard to take though, is that even though I'm in my forties, she still wants to control, criticize, find fault with people I care about, insinuate, blame and guilt trip me whenever she feels threatened by my adulthood and independence. The only way I can see being able to live life on my terms and feel good about myself is to continue the NC. Yet because she's elderly, and I'm her only daughter, I know it's probably expected by other family members that I should stay close to her and be her caregiver in her final days. Does anyone else feel guilty about NC??
Thursday, October 25, 2007
nursing home visit and letter
Going "no contact" with uBPD mom had to happen at the worst of times. It wasn't my choice, because she initiated it. A month or so after she told me to stay away, my dad went into the hospital with a brain lesion. My mom always controls everything, and at first I was told to stay away. At the time, I was on limited speaking terms with my mother about my dad's condition, and did offer to come and help. But she said that my dad was in diapers and not very lucid, and he wouldn't want me to see him that way. She also said he wasn't very modest and would expose himself at times, and it would be better for just her and my brothers to deal with him for the time being.
Prior to my dad going into the hospital, I had already made plans to fly to Iowa with my bf to visit his family, and he already bought the airline tickets that were non-refundable. But I called and left a message for my mom prior to leaving and told her that I had planned a trip out of state, would be gone March 17th thru the 24th, but if because of what's going on with dad, she wanted me to cancel my trip, I would. She left me a message saying, "Thanks, but no, I don't even care."
So I go on my trip, and when I get back, my mom calls and tells me that he's been in a rehab center for a week and is doing much better. She said he's been asking about me, and I can visit him if I want. So I call my dad and make plans to visit him the following Saturday.
I was half expecting my momster to be there, but she wasn't. My Dad and I had a nice visit. He told me that he's known for years that there's been something mentally wrong with mom, and has seen how she's always steered and controlled me all these years. He met my bf during Thanksgiving. They were seated near each other and had a nice conversation. My dad was retired AF, and my bf served 11 years in the Navy. So they talked about aircraft carriers and such. My dad said he thought my bf was "just fine". That's when I mentioned to him about my visit with my bf's family. I didn't go into much detail, just said I had a nice visit with them. That didn't seem to bother him at all. Most of our conversation was about my dad's days in the Air Force during WWII. When I left, he was smiling, and told me he was glad he got to tell me some things that "were long overdue".
Of course, a few hours later, I got a call from momster accusing me of being insensitive and hurting my dad by letting him know that I was "on vacation" instead of being here with him when he's recovering from his illness. I immediately called my dad, and he was very apologetic. He said he mentioned something to her about my trip to Iowa, and all of a sudden she got very agitated and hateful. Maybe I should have let it pass, but I couldn't. So I wrote momster this letter:
Dear Mom,
Dad understands that, like I told you, nonrefundable airplane tickets were purchased several weeks prior to him going into the hospital. And he also knows that I still left you a message offering to cancel my trip because of what was going on with him. But you left me a message saying, “Thanks, but no, I don’t care.” Around that time, you were telling me it’s best for me to stay away and not visit Dad because his condition was so bad, he wouldn’t want me to see him that way. Therefore, I know I don’t have anything to feel guilty about, and Dad was not as hurt by it as you’re saying he was.
I think your anger stems not from anything I might have said or done to Dad, but because I apparently haven’t broken up with my boyfriend yet. That’s unfortunately your problem, but I do hope for Dad’s sake that nothing more is said to him about this matter, as he doesn’t need the added stress.
I think its best for me to stay away from situations where you will be present. However, I do intend to visit Dad regularly while he’s in the nursing home. I plan on trying to be there every Saturday from 10am to 1pm. I would appreciate it if you would stay away during that time. And again, I hope you can be kind enough not to give Dad a hard time regarding my Saturday visits, as he doesn’t need the added stress.
Mom, I’m not angry anymore. I really just feel very sorry for you. It must be terrible having to navigate under such apparently high levels of anger and anxiety all the time. Situations in life can be tough, but your mental/emotional outlook can turn tough situations into nightmares for you and everyone involved. It’s sad, because you’re missing out on what could be some pleasant times, and driving away a member of your own family who loves you. I really do hope you see about getting the professional help you most desperately need, because it doesn’t have to be this way.
Love,
Clayandwater
Of course, as one would expect, she left raging messages on my answering machine, most of which I didn't even listen to. After no response it eventually blew over, and I managed to have several Saturday visits with my dad, before he left the nursing home and went back home to be cared for by Momster. I've called him a couple of times since he's been home, cringing at the possibility of her picking up the phone. He's enmeshed and totally dependent on her, so now that he's back under her care, its hard for us to communicate once again.
Prior to my dad going into the hospital, I had already made plans to fly to Iowa with my bf to visit his family, and he already bought the airline tickets that were non-refundable. But I called and left a message for my mom prior to leaving and told her that I had planned a trip out of state, would be gone March 17th thru the 24th, but if because of what's going on with dad, she wanted me to cancel my trip, I would. She left me a message saying, "Thanks, but no, I don't even care."
So I go on my trip, and when I get back, my mom calls and tells me that he's been in a rehab center for a week and is doing much better. She said he's been asking about me, and I can visit him if I want. So I call my dad and make plans to visit him the following Saturday.
I was half expecting my momster to be there, but she wasn't. My Dad and I had a nice visit. He told me that he's known for years that there's been something mentally wrong with mom, and has seen how she's always steered and controlled me all these years. He met my bf during Thanksgiving. They were seated near each other and had a nice conversation. My dad was retired AF, and my bf served 11 years in the Navy. So they talked about aircraft carriers and such. My dad said he thought my bf was "just fine". That's when I mentioned to him about my visit with my bf's family. I didn't go into much detail, just said I had a nice visit with them. That didn't seem to bother him at all. Most of our conversation was about my dad's days in the Air Force during WWII. When I left, he was smiling, and told me he was glad he got to tell me some things that "were long overdue".
Of course, a few hours later, I got a call from momster accusing me of being insensitive and hurting my dad by letting him know that I was "on vacation" instead of being here with him when he's recovering from his illness. I immediately called my dad, and he was very apologetic. He said he mentioned something to her about my trip to Iowa, and all of a sudden she got very agitated and hateful. Maybe I should have let it pass, but I couldn't. So I wrote momster this letter:
Dear Mom,
Dad understands that, like I told you, nonrefundable airplane tickets were purchased several weeks prior to him going into the hospital. And he also knows that I still left you a message offering to cancel my trip because of what was going on with him. But you left me a message saying, “Thanks, but no, I don’t care.” Around that time, you were telling me it’s best for me to stay away and not visit Dad because his condition was so bad, he wouldn’t want me to see him that way. Therefore, I know I don’t have anything to feel guilty about, and Dad was not as hurt by it as you’re saying he was.
I think your anger stems not from anything I might have said or done to Dad, but because I apparently haven’t broken up with my boyfriend yet. That’s unfortunately your problem, but I do hope for Dad’s sake that nothing more is said to him about this matter, as he doesn’t need the added stress.
I think its best for me to stay away from situations where you will be present. However, I do intend to visit Dad regularly while he’s in the nursing home. I plan on trying to be there every Saturday from 10am to 1pm. I would appreciate it if you would stay away during that time. And again, I hope you can be kind enough not to give Dad a hard time regarding my Saturday visits, as he doesn’t need the added stress.
Mom, I’m not angry anymore. I really just feel very sorry for you. It must be terrible having to navigate under such apparently high levels of anger and anxiety all the time. Situations in life can be tough, but your mental/emotional outlook can turn tough situations into nightmares for you and everyone involved. It’s sad, because you’re missing out on what could be some pleasant times, and driving away a member of your own family who loves you. I really do hope you see about getting the professional help you most desperately need, because it doesn’t have to be this way.
Love,
Clayandwater
Of course, as one would expect, she left raging messages on my answering machine, most of which I didn't even listen to. After no response it eventually blew over, and I managed to have several Saturday visits with my dad, before he left the nursing home and went back home to be cared for by Momster. I've called him a couple of times since he's been home, cringing at the possibility of her picking up the phone. He's enmeshed and totally dependent on her, so now that he's back under her care, its hard for us to communicate once again.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
A little background
I started reading books like “Stop Walking on Eggshells” and “Understanding the Borderline Mother” (UBM) back when S and I first started dating. S is currently my fiance, and is a divorced father of a beautiful 8yo daughter (adopted from China). Her mother, S’s ex-wife, fell apart mentally and got diagnosed as bi-polar with BPD. When the little girl was between 4 and 5 years old, S's ex ran off with another man in her support group. S handed me a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells, so I’d understand what he had been dealing with. I wanted to read more, so I picked up a copy of UBM to try to understand what his little girl might have to deal with in the future. While reading the section in UBM that talks about how children of borderlines feel about their mother, I had a revelation. “That’s exactly how I feel about my mother”, I thought.
My momster (I like that term) has always been a major control freak. I was a clumsy, forgetful kid growing up, and got screamed at a lot by her. Of course when you’re a kid, you don’t realize that not all parents scream at their kids over minor mistakes. You just assume you’re a complete screw-up. So I was very timid and mostly a loner, but tried to comply with her as much as possible.
But during my late teenage and young adult years, I started having boyfriends. She’d get right in the middle of my relationships and tell me what I should do or say as if she was trying to help me. But she’d get so obsessed about my relationships, it was like she was trying to live vicariously through me. And if she found fault with whoever I was dating (which was often), she would harp on it day and night until I broke up with the person out of pressure. And sometimes, guys would break up with me unexpectedly, probably because they saw the unhealthy dynamic between my mother and me.
I believe my mom’s a borderline Queen and my dad’s a narcissist, which according to the UBM book, those two personality disorders tend to pair up. I don’t really have a problem with my dad, but we were never very close because of his tendency to be self-absorbed into his own hobbies and such (not really interested in me).
Neither of my parents were any good at managing money, and ended up in a lot of debt. I went to college on student loans, and by the time I graduated and got a job, my mother said I needed to continue to live with them for “a few years” to help them get out of debt. So I, being the dutiful daughter, handed over more than half my paycheck to my mom month after month, year after year, not knowing when I would ever be able to have a place of my own and keep my money for myself. If I ever suggested helping her set up a budget, or taking a look at the order she was paying her credit cards to see if there’s a faster way to pay them off, she would rage at me for not “minding my own business”. She would say she’s “not going to let her ‘little daughter’ tell her how she should be managing her money!”. I was in my 30s at the time and was (still am) a CPA, LOL!
I felt so trapped! I finally had to engage my mom in an all-day-long fight in order to stand my ground and say that plan A (me living with them and giving them money) was not helping them get out of debt. They had to move to plan B. I gave them 3 whole years to figure out what plan B is and implement it. By the time the 3 years were up, they went bankrupt with over $90K in credit card debt. I moved out and got my first apartment at the age of 39.
Since moving out and having my own place away from my mom for the last 5 years, I joined a great church, made some wonderful friends, developed a strong faith in God and began to realize that I have a right to a life of my own, opinions of my own, my own decisions, and nobody but God should be controlling me. Of course I know even God doesn't control us, but has given us free will.
My momster (I like that term) has always been a major control freak. I was a clumsy, forgetful kid growing up, and got screamed at a lot by her. Of course when you’re a kid, you don’t realize that not all parents scream at their kids over minor mistakes. You just assume you’re a complete screw-up. So I was very timid and mostly a loner, but tried to comply with her as much as possible.
But during my late teenage and young adult years, I started having boyfriends. She’d get right in the middle of my relationships and tell me what I should do or say as if she was trying to help me. But she’d get so obsessed about my relationships, it was like she was trying to live vicariously through me. And if she found fault with whoever I was dating (which was often), she would harp on it day and night until I broke up with the person out of pressure. And sometimes, guys would break up with me unexpectedly, probably because they saw the unhealthy dynamic between my mother and me.
I believe my mom’s a borderline Queen and my dad’s a narcissist, which according to the UBM book, those two personality disorders tend to pair up. I don’t really have a problem with my dad, but we were never very close because of his tendency to be self-absorbed into his own hobbies and such (not really interested in me).
Neither of my parents were any good at managing money, and ended up in a lot of debt. I went to college on student loans, and by the time I graduated and got a job, my mother said I needed to continue to live with them for “a few years” to help them get out of debt. So I, being the dutiful daughter, handed over more than half my paycheck to my mom month after month, year after year, not knowing when I would ever be able to have a place of my own and keep my money for myself. If I ever suggested helping her set up a budget, or taking a look at the order she was paying her credit cards to see if there’s a faster way to pay them off, she would rage at me for not “minding my own business”. She would say she’s “not going to let her ‘little daughter’ tell her how she should be managing her money!”. I was in my 30s at the time and was (still am) a CPA, LOL!
I felt so trapped! I finally had to engage my mom in an all-day-long fight in order to stand my ground and say that plan A (me living with them and giving them money) was not helping them get out of debt. They had to move to plan B. I gave them 3 whole years to figure out what plan B is and implement it. By the time the 3 years were up, they went bankrupt with over $90K in credit card debt. I moved out and got my first apartment at the age of 39.
Since moving out and having my own place away from my mom for the last 5 years, I joined a great church, made some wonderful friends, developed a strong faith in God and began to realize that I have a right to a life of my own, opinions of my own, my own decisions, and nobody but God should be controlling me. Of course I know even God doesn't control us, but has given us free will.
A letter I didn't send
You have stated that you think S is rude. But I really don’t believe that you were offended by his behavior. I knew before you even met S that you had already made up your mind not to like him, because of things you said and how you acted. Like one time in late August, when I called to tell you that he sent flowers to me at my work. I was expecting you to say something like, “Oh, how nice!” But instead you said, “That doesn’t mean anything!” Well, it meant a lot to me.
And like back in early November, when I told you about the letter M wrote me which basically said,
“Lisa, I like you. I think you’re pretty and nice. I think you’re the best and my mommy is the “bestest”. But I’m not saying you’re not pretty and nice. It’s just that my mommy has taken care of me a lot. But I really like you, Lisa.”
Out of all the people I’ve shared that letter with, you’re the only person who interpreted it the way you did. Of course she thinks her mommy is “the bestest”! She’d known her mommy for six years. She only knew me for three months at the time. She was just letting me know she had to put her mommy first, but that she really liked me. You tried to make me feel like what she was really saying was, “Back off because you’re not my mother!” And you got all upset because you felt S should have never sent me that letter. You thought he should have just scolded her for writing it, and should have never told me about it. But I loved her letter! It’s something I’m always going to save. You’re reaction to it was totally inappropriate.
These things happened prior to you ever meeting S, so I knew you had already made your mind up to find fault with him when you finally did meet him. I was so nervous that Thanksgiving that I could hardly eat my dinner. And I was more nervous the day of my surgery about the two of you spending the whole day together than I was about the surgery itself.
But since then, I’ve had time to think about things, and I think I’m beginning to understand why it is you don’t like S. Of course, he isn’t the first boyfriend you found fault with. He’s just one in a long line of them that you didn’t like. I’ve always known that you had a hard time letting go, and probably weren’t going to ever think anyone is good enough for me. But I also see that as often as you’ve told me that you’d like to see me have everything (meaning marriage and family), down deep that may not be true at all. I think you may have gotten very use to the idea of me always being single, so that you can feel justified in keeping me at your beck and call, because after all, it’s not like I’m busy with my own family. And as long as I’m not a mom, then it’s easier for you to continue to regard me as a child.
Remember K, the guy I dated a few years back who was divorced after twenty years of marriage, and had three kids who were almost grown? I remember you telling me that you thought he was “the answer”. Part of the reason I took it so hard when we broke up was that I felt I finally met a guy my mother liked. After putting two and two together, I realize that the only thing that set him apart from all the other guys who failed the “mom test” was that he didn’t want any more children. So with him I could never become a mother, and that seemed to suit you just fine. Yes, after the relationship was over, you used to say how he should have let me have the choice of whether I wanted to adopt or not. But I remember very little if anything being said about it when I was still dating him, and it’s not like you to not say anything if something really bothers you.
I believe that you don’t like S because he makes you feel threatened. He has a little girl that I’m getting along just fine with, and he’s open to adopting more children. What a wonderful opportunity that would be for me. But do you see it that way? No! You’re threatened by it. This is something you’ll either have to acknowledge and deal with, or we’ll have to continue having very limited contact with each other. The choice is up to you.
And like back in early November, when I told you about the letter M wrote me which basically said,
“Lisa, I like you. I think you’re pretty and nice. I think you’re the best and my mommy is the “bestest”. But I’m not saying you’re not pretty and nice. It’s just that my mommy has taken care of me a lot. But I really like you, Lisa.”
Out of all the people I’ve shared that letter with, you’re the only person who interpreted it the way you did. Of course she thinks her mommy is “the bestest”! She’d known her mommy for six years. She only knew me for three months at the time. She was just letting me know she had to put her mommy first, but that she really liked me. You tried to make me feel like what she was really saying was, “Back off because you’re not my mother!” And you got all upset because you felt S should have never sent me that letter. You thought he should have just scolded her for writing it, and should have never told me about it. But I loved her letter! It’s something I’m always going to save. You’re reaction to it was totally inappropriate.
These things happened prior to you ever meeting S, so I knew you had already made your mind up to find fault with him when you finally did meet him. I was so nervous that Thanksgiving that I could hardly eat my dinner. And I was more nervous the day of my surgery about the two of you spending the whole day together than I was about the surgery itself.
But since then, I’ve had time to think about things, and I think I’m beginning to understand why it is you don’t like S. Of course, he isn’t the first boyfriend you found fault with. He’s just one in a long line of them that you didn’t like. I’ve always known that you had a hard time letting go, and probably weren’t going to ever think anyone is good enough for me. But I also see that as often as you’ve told me that you’d like to see me have everything (meaning marriage and family), down deep that may not be true at all. I think you may have gotten very use to the idea of me always being single, so that you can feel justified in keeping me at your beck and call, because after all, it’s not like I’m busy with my own family. And as long as I’m not a mom, then it’s easier for you to continue to regard me as a child.
Remember K, the guy I dated a few years back who was divorced after twenty years of marriage, and had three kids who were almost grown? I remember you telling me that you thought he was “the answer”. Part of the reason I took it so hard when we broke up was that I felt I finally met a guy my mother liked. After putting two and two together, I realize that the only thing that set him apart from all the other guys who failed the “mom test” was that he didn’t want any more children. So with him I could never become a mother, and that seemed to suit you just fine. Yes, after the relationship was over, you used to say how he should have let me have the choice of whether I wanted to adopt or not. But I remember very little if anything being said about it when I was still dating him, and it’s not like you to not say anything if something really bothers you.
I believe that you don’t like S because he makes you feel threatened. He has a little girl that I’m getting along just fine with, and he’s open to adopting more children. What a wonderful opportunity that would be for me. But do you see it that way? No! You’re threatened by it. This is something you’ll either have to acknowledge and deal with, or we’ll have to continue having very limited contact with each other. The choice is up to you.
1st letter to Mom
Dear Mom,
I received your letter and am quite flabbergasted. I am not trying to jam anyone down your throat. You don’t have to like S, and I didn’t plan on having him around you anymore. My position has always been that I need time to determine for myself if your perspective about the person I'm currently dating is accurate. If I eventually break up with him, it has to be for my own reasons, not anyone else's. And I need you to not pressure me in the meantime, by repeatedly making your negative remarks. But you can't seem to respect that.
On January 15th, more than a month after the incidents you found so objectionable took place, you called me at work and we were just having a normal conversation. Then you asked me how S and I were doing. I simply replied, “We’re doing fine.” Then you had to start a tirade about how rude he is. I didn’t say a word. The very next day, you called and went on and on about how sorry you were, and how you cried and cried afterwards and you were going to try very hard not to do that again, and if you start, I’m to just tell you to stop. As far as I’m concerned, your apology meant nothing. You were just apologizing to feel better about yourself and legitimize being able to say what you wanted to say at the time, and then be able to say more in the future.
Because a couple of days later, you told me you were getting your affairs in order, and needed among other things to specify someone as a healthcare surrogate. You said you’re not sure anymore about choosing me for that, because I tend to let other people tell me what to do, and you don't think you can trust me to carry out your wishes. I told you and will tell you again: “Just because I can't agree with your evaluation of my boyfriend doesn't mean I allow him to rule over me, nor would I allow him any input into medical decisions concerning my mother. But if that's the way you feel about me, then you should choose someone else to handle that for you. I'd rather not be involved if that's how you feel about me.”
See, I clearly understand what you’re trying to do. You know you can’t get away with badmouthing my boyfriend directly, so you talk about things you have to take away from me if I choose to stay with him. You did this with the privilege of being chosen as your healthcare surrogate and also with your mother’s things. It’s not that I don’t care about helping you with your healthcare decisions or that I don’t care about your mother’s things. It’s just that I won’t allow you to use them or anything else to manipulate me into feeling bad or guilty about the choices I am making. Nothing is worth that. And I’m sorry if that upsets you.
I never asked you about why I’m not close to Dad. I’ve accepted that a long time ago, and I don’t blame anyone for it. So I have no idea why you brought that up in your letter.
As far as S goes, I’m sorry that you’ve chosen to find him so offensive. He’s only a human being, with faults and flaws just like every other human being. He may not be polished. He may be a little rough around the edges. He may be a big burly bald-headed guy. He may not be at all the type of guy you pictured me being with. But I see a lot of good qualities in him. And if you weren’t so busy finding fault and picking him apart, you might have seen some of those good qualities too.
There are times when you can be a warm and wonderful person to be around. But there are also times when you can be a fussy, anxious, miserable old woman. You can decide not to like someone before you even meet them. And when you decide not to like them, you can find fault with the way they breathe. And you won’t listen to any reason or cut them any slack. So you had to ask him to leave the room or get out of the car. What kind of petty crap is that? The way you’re carrying on about it is like he called you a bad name, or spit in your eye on purpose!
And I know you’re adamant that you’re right and he’s rude. Well, I would really rather not talk to you for awhile. I’ve got enough other stuff I’m dealing with right now, and I don’t need the added stress. I’ll contact you again when I’m ready. In the meantime, I’d like you to think about what’s really most important to you, “being right”, or “being in close relationship with your only daughter”.
I received your letter and am quite flabbergasted. I am not trying to jam anyone down your throat. You don’t have to like S, and I didn’t plan on having him around you anymore. My position has always been that I need time to determine for myself if your perspective about the person I'm currently dating is accurate. If I eventually break up with him, it has to be for my own reasons, not anyone else's. And I need you to not pressure me in the meantime, by repeatedly making your negative remarks. But you can't seem to respect that.
On January 15th, more than a month after the incidents you found so objectionable took place, you called me at work and we were just having a normal conversation. Then you asked me how S and I were doing. I simply replied, “We’re doing fine.” Then you had to start a tirade about how rude he is. I didn’t say a word. The very next day, you called and went on and on about how sorry you were, and how you cried and cried afterwards and you were going to try very hard not to do that again, and if you start, I’m to just tell you to stop. As far as I’m concerned, your apology meant nothing. You were just apologizing to feel better about yourself and legitimize being able to say what you wanted to say at the time, and then be able to say more in the future.
Because a couple of days later, you told me you were getting your affairs in order, and needed among other things to specify someone as a healthcare surrogate. You said you’re not sure anymore about choosing me for that, because I tend to let other people tell me what to do, and you don't think you can trust me to carry out your wishes. I told you and will tell you again: “Just because I can't agree with your evaluation of my boyfriend doesn't mean I allow him to rule over me, nor would I allow him any input into medical decisions concerning my mother. But if that's the way you feel about me, then you should choose someone else to handle that for you. I'd rather not be involved if that's how you feel about me.”
See, I clearly understand what you’re trying to do. You know you can’t get away with badmouthing my boyfriend directly, so you talk about things you have to take away from me if I choose to stay with him. You did this with the privilege of being chosen as your healthcare surrogate and also with your mother’s things. It’s not that I don’t care about helping you with your healthcare decisions or that I don’t care about your mother’s things. It’s just that I won’t allow you to use them or anything else to manipulate me into feeling bad or guilty about the choices I am making. Nothing is worth that. And I’m sorry if that upsets you.
I never asked you about why I’m not close to Dad. I’ve accepted that a long time ago, and I don’t blame anyone for it. So I have no idea why you brought that up in your letter.
As far as S goes, I’m sorry that you’ve chosen to find him so offensive. He’s only a human being, with faults and flaws just like every other human being. He may not be polished. He may be a little rough around the edges. He may be a big burly bald-headed guy. He may not be at all the type of guy you pictured me being with. But I see a lot of good qualities in him. And if you weren’t so busy finding fault and picking him apart, you might have seen some of those good qualities too.
There are times when you can be a warm and wonderful person to be around. But there are also times when you can be a fussy, anxious, miserable old woman. You can decide not to like someone before you even meet them. And when you decide not to like them, you can find fault with the way they breathe. And you won’t listen to any reason or cut them any slack. So you had to ask him to leave the room or get out of the car. What kind of petty crap is that? The way you’re carrying on about it is like he called you a bad name, or spit in your eye on purpose!
And I know you’re adamant that you’re right and he’s rude. Well, I would really rather not talk to you for awhile. I’ve got enough other stuff I’m dealing with right now, and I don’t need the added stress. I’ll contact you again when I’m ready. In the meantime, I’d like you to think about what’s really most important to you, “being right”, or “being in close relationship with your only daughter”.
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