nursing home visit and letter

Going "no contact" with uBPD mom had to happen at the worst of times. It wasn't my choice, because she initiated it. A month or so after she told me to stay away, my dad went into the hospital with a brain lesion. My mom always controls everything, and at first I was told to stay away. At the time, I was on limited speaking terms with my mother about my dad's condition, and did offer to come and help. But she said that my dad was in diapers and not very lucid, and he wouldn't want me to see him that way. She also said he wasn't very modest and would expose himself at times, and it would be better for just her and my brothers to deal with him for the time being.

Prior to my dad going into the hospital, I had already made plans to fly to Iowa with my bf to visit his family, and he already bought the airline tickets that were non-refundable. But I called and left a message for my mom prior to leaving and told her that I had planned a trip out of state, would be gone March 17th thru the 24th, but if because of what's going on with dad, she wanted me to cancel my trip, I would. She left me a message saying, "Thanks, but no, I don't even care."

So I go on my trip, and when I get back, my mom calls and tells me that he's been in a rehab center for a week and is doing much better. She said he's been asking about me, and I can visit him if I want. So I call my dad and make plans to visit him the following Saturday.

I was half expecting my momster to be there, but she wasn't. My Dad and I had a nice visit. He told me that he's known for years that there's been something mentally wrong with mom, and has seen how she's always steered and controlled me all these years. He met my bf during Thanksgiving. They were seated near each other and had a nice conversation. My dad was retired AF, and my bf served 11 years in the Navy. So they talked about aircraft carriers and such. My dad said he thought my bf was "just fine". That's when I mentioned to him about my visit with my bf's family. I didn't go into much detail, just said I had a nice visit with them. That didn't seem to bother him at all. Most of our conversation was about my dad's days in the Air Force during WWII. When I left, he was smiling, and told me he was glad he got to tell me some things that "were long overdue".

Of course, a few hours later, I got a call from momster accusing me of being insensitive and hurting my dad by letting him know that I was "on vacation" instead of being here with him when he's recovering from his illness. I immediately called my dad, and he was very apologetic. He said he mentioned something to her about my trip to Iowa, and all of a sudden she got very agitated and hateful. Maybe I should have let it pass, but I couldn't. So I wrote momster this letter:

Dear Mom,

Dad understands that, like I told you, nonrefundable airplane tickets were purchased several weeks prior to him going into the hospital. And he also knows that I still left you a message offering to cancel my trip because of what was going on with him. But you left me a message saying, “Thanks, but no, I don’t care.” Around that time, you were telling me it’s best for me to stay away and not visit Dad because his condition was so bad, he wouldn’t want me to see him that way. Therefore, I know I don’t have anything to feel guilty about, and Dad was not as hurt by it as you’re saying he was.

I think your anger stems not from anything I might have said or done to Dad, but because I apparently haven’t broken up with my boyfriend yet. That’s unfortunately your problem, but I do hope for Dad’s sake that nothing more is said to him about this matter, as he doesn’t need the added stress.

I think its best for me to stay away from situations where you will be present. However, I do intend to visit Dad regularly while he’s in the nursing home. I plan on trying to be there every Saturday from 10am to 1pm. I would appreciate it if you would stay away during that time. And again, I hope you can be kind enough not to give Dad a hard time regarding my Saturday visits, as he doesn’t need the added stress.

Mom, I’m not angry anymore. I really just feel very sorry for you. It must be terrible having to navigate under such apparently high levels of anger and anxiety all the time. Situations in life can be tough, but your mental/emotional outlook can turn tough situations into nightmares for you and everyone involved. It’s sad, because you’re missing out on what could be some pleasant times, and driving away a member of your own family who loves you. I really do hope you see about getting the professional help you most desperately need, because it doesn’t have to be this way.

Love,
Clayandwater

Of course, as one would expect, she left raging messages on my answering machine, most of which I didn't even listen to. After no response it eventually blew over, and I managed to have several Saturday visits with my dad, before he left the nursing home and went back home to be cared for by Momster. I've called him a couple of times since he's been home, cringing at the possibility of her picking up the phone. He's enmeshed and totally dependent on her, so now that he's back under her care, its hard for us to communicate once again.