1st letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

I received your letter and am quite flabbergasted. I am not trying to jam anyone down your throat. You don’t have to like S, and I didn’t plan on having him around you anymore. My position has always been that I need time to determine for myself if your perspective about the person I'm currently dating is accurate. If I eventually break up with him, it has to be for my own reasons, not anyone else's. And I need you to not pressure me in the meantime, by repeatedly making your negative remarks. But you can't seem to respect that.

On January 15th, more than a month after the incidents you found so objectionable took place, you called me at work and we were just having a normal conversation. Then you asked me how S and I were doing. I simply replied, “We’re doing fine.” Then you had to start a tirade about how rude he is. I didn’t say a word. The very next day, you called and went on and on about how sorry you were, and how you cried and cried afterwards and you were going to try very hard not to do that again, and if you start, I’m to just tell you to stop. As far as I’m concerned, your apology meant nothing. You were just apologizing to feel better about yourself and legitimize being able to say what you wanted to say at the time, and then be able to say more in the future.

Because a couple of days later, you told me you were getting your affairs in order, and needed among other things to specify someone as a healthcare surrogate. You said you’re not sure anymore about choosing me for that, because I tend to let other people tell me what to do, and you don't think you can trust me to carry out your wishes. I told you and will tell you again: “Just because I can't agree with your evaluation of my boyfriend doesn't mean I allow him to rule over me, nor would I allow him any input into medical decisions concerning my mother. But if that's the way you feel about me, then you should choose someone else to handle that for you. I'd rather not be involved if that's how you feel about me.”

See, I clearly understand what you’re trying to do. You know you can’t get away with badmouthing my boyfriend directly, so you talk about things you have to take away from me if I choose to stay with him. You did this with the privilege of being chosen as your healthcare surrogate and also with your mother’s things. It’s not that I don’t care about helping you with your healthcare decisions or that I don’t care about your mother’s things. It’s just that I won’t allow you to use them or anything else to manipulate me into feeling bad or guilty about the choices I am making. Nothing is worth that. And I’m sorry if that upsets you.

I never asked you about why I’m not close to Dad. I’ve accepted that a long time ago, and I don’t blame anyone for it. So I have no idea why you brought that up in your letter.

As far as S goes, I’m sorry that you’ve chosen to find him so offensive. He’s only a human being, with faults and flaws just like every other human being. He may not be polished. He may be a little rough around the edges. He may be a big burly bald-headed guy. He may not be at all the type of guy you pictured me being with. But I see a lot of good qualities in him. And if you weren’t so busy finding fault and picking him apart, you might have seen some of those good qualities too.

There are times when you can be a warm and wonderful person to be around. But there are also times when you can be a fussy, anxious, miserable old woman. You can decide not to like someone before you even meet them. And when you decide not to like them, you can find fault with the way they breathe. And you won’t listen to any reason or cut them any slack. So you had to ask him to leave the room or get out of the car. What kind of petty crap is that? The way you’re carrying on about it is like he called you a bad name, or spit in your eye on purpose!

And I know you’re adamant that you’re right and he’s rude. Well, I would really rather not talk to you for awhile. I’ve got enough other stuff I’m dealing with right now, and I don’t need the added stress. I’ll contact you again when I’m ready. In the meantime, I’d like you to think about what’s really most important to you, “being right”, or “being in close relationship with your only daughter”.