June 18th entry on Face-The-Facts.net

Because my mom hasn’t been speaking to me, my birthday came and went without any acknowledgement from her. (I had sent her a mother's day card, but that was returned to me unopened.) A week later, mom called to say that their planning to take my dad out for breakfast on Father’s Day, and I could come if I wanted to. I chose not to go, primarily because I felt she was using dad’s illness and Father’s Day to suck me back into being obedient to her. I called my dad to let him know I wouldn’t make it on Father’s Day, but I would send him a card and call him that day. He was okay with it. He understands just how unreasonable my mom can be and doesn’t blame me for not wanting to be around her.

Well, yesterday (Father’s Day) I tried to call his cell phone, but there was no answer and I couldn’t leave him a message because his mailbox was full (he doesn’t know how to check his messages). So I knew in order to contact him and wish him a Happy Father’s Day, I would have to call my parents land line. I knew my mother would probably answer the phone and most likely berate and guilt trip me for not coming for Father’s Day. But when I called, she apparently saw it was me on caller ID, and when she answered, all she said was “Just a minute please” and handed the phone to my dad. So that made it a lot easier for me, but she still got her message across, “I don’t even want to talk to you.”

I do admit that back when she was ranting and raving, I would hang up the phone on her and not return her phone calls. So I guess I have it coming to some extent. And at least she’s not trying to control my interaction with my dad. My dad says that it doesn’t look like things aren’t going to get better between us unless I initiate it (meaning apologize, break up with my boyfriend and be submissive to her again). To do that would be to deny myself a life, and I just can’t do that anymore. I told my dad that I’m seeing a counselor now and going to a support group for co-dependency. With God’s help, maybe I can get past my fear of her and release the hurt and anger that keeps me fettered.