time goes by

Boy, has it been hard to find time to journal! So much has been going on that I need to record. I was re-reading my post "Little irritations", and it makes me sound kind of mean. I guess I was just venting. I never have nor ever will tell M she might have menningitis. In fact, I've been feeling a lot less irritated lately.

I remember one Thursday night a while ago, I was at S's house and M needed help with her homework. S needed to go take care of something else and M was waiting for him to help her. In the meantime, I tried to help her, but she fell asleep on the couch. When S was ready to help her, I tried to wake her, but she would not wake up. So S said, "Oh well, I'll just put her in bed and get her up a little early tomorrow morning to help her with her homework."

When he came back into the living room, he could see that I was visibly irritated. After some prodding on his part, I was finally able to tell him about my feelings towards her "I know" remarks and her inability to wake up. We had a good talk. He said he knows that in some respects, she is somewhat spoiled. And he knows that needs to change. He knows that M had experienced rejection from her mom whenever a man was in her mom's life, and he wanted to make sure that she doesn't ever experience the same thing from him. But knows he may have gone a little overboard. He is trying. I let him know that I am probably judging her by how I was raised, which really wasn't normal. So I know I need to be very patient.

When I went to sleep that night, I had a dream that S and I were breaking up. S didn't appear mad at me or anything, just calmly said we need to go back to being 'just friends'. In the dream, I was crushed. I kept saying, "But we're so good together!" I woke up in tears, but after a bit, felt such a relief to know that it was only a dream.As I pondered the dream and it's meaning, I realized that I need to trust S more with my feelings. Talking to S can help me relieve my feelings of irritation. I need to trust that even though he may get a little defensive at times, S still is committed to me, and I don't have to fear him abandoning me.

When I started to pray that morning, something occurred to me. My counselor told me once that not only did God put me in M's life so that I can help her deal with her mother in the future. But also, having M in my life will help me heal as well. I really didn't understand that until now. It occurred to me that my irritation really isn't toward M. It's toward my own mother.The way I was raised, I really didn't have a voice. The adults ran the show. I don't think I was ever allowed to say "I know" about anything without it being followed up with "NO YOU DON'T KNOW!". And I have a vague memory of being yelled at for not waking up, replete with "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! SOME LITTLE PRINCESS WHO EXPECTS TO BE CARRIED AROUND ALL THE TIME??!!"

So now I know. Whenever I feel irritated with something about Mariah's behavior, that's a clue that there may be some unresolved feelings there about how I was treated as a child, when I exhibited the same behavior. When that happens, I need to release to Christ those feelings of resentment toward my mother, and pray for her. That will open up God's healing power for me.